Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.