If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
A wise man once said nothing.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid