Smooooooth
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.