*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
58.