Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.