If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I saw nothing
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.