‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I have two kinds of followers
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?