NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked