lol
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Word!
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years