What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.