He’s dead
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
it was a valiant fight
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
This woman is my idol. Free her.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.