Thoughts
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Meow
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The pen is writier than the sword.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
very niche meme I made