My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The fall of Netflix
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?