Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Guys, I found it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die