Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
saving face 👀
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.