My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU