When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition