[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx