“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
the Monday after daylight savings
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship