Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”