Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”