Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Still a very good boi….
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
What an awful time to have common sense.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?