Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
how much for the angry fruit?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.