Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no