A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I am patiently waiting for your email
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.