Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
✌️
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination