Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I feel it
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time