If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”