throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.