My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Great acting.. 😂
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.