Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
🛁
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
monday
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.