I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Not today, today.
Not today.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”