Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time