Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.