🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba