My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
They did not miss in the small print
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.