Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen