*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.