FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I get distracted pretty eas
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.