Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Imma just leave this here…………
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton