I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You Might Also Like
plant them where lol
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
incredible text to wake up to
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.