In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED