“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut