I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”