Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool