It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
finally
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day