Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you