I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.