“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
not seeing the problem
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I love art.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet