I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You Might Also Like
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
what’s the point then??
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.