cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Danger is very dangerous
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush